I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
