i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
