If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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