my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
