Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
