I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
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I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
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I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
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