Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
