Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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