I faked an abortion last night.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
