i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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