i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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