If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
