just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
