it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
