Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
