btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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