You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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