OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
