It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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