You can't motorboat a personality
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
