if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
