dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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