just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
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i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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