To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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