My hand turned me down
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
