I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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