Apparently you make a good broom.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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