Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it