At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid