pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.