He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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