He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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