i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
