you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
