Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
