Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
