I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
