Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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