You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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