I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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