It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
