i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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