Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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