I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
