We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I need to calm my uterus...
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
