she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
