I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
