A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
