I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
