oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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