He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
