Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
