i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
