My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
