I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
