I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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